Smackley Fiction

The Vacation

2010-02-23T16:43:00.000-08:00

Precursor---
I must tell you that I wrote this story in two parts. The first portion was written before 6 beers, and the latter was written there after. All portions were inspired by a picture found online with no description.
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"I just need to get home, Mam."
"You don't understand, I just need to get home, Mam."

The old lady had a ferocious grip on Daniel's cheek, and he was losing his patience.

"Aren't you just the cutest little guy I've ever seen! Harrold, the old bastard, died before we could have any kids of our own, but you are just the cutest little trooper I've ever seen."

"Mam, I'm 47 years old and I need to get home now, so let go!"

Daniel was a mere 130 pounds, and at four foot and eight inches, he was in no way able to break free from the death-pinch this old cow hide was putting on him. "Whats your name little boy? Where are your parents?"

"My parents are dead, lady and you bett-" Cutting Daniel off she exclaimed, "No parents! Well, you're coming with me. Every boy needs a good home and a family. Let's get you back to my house and we'll fix you up a nice dinner."

He didn't even have time to snatch up his bag of groceries before the old hag started dragging him through the grocery store parking lot, into her station wagon, and on down the road. This wasn't the first time Daniel's unfortunate size had gotten the best of him, but it was the first time an old lady forced him to do anything against his will. It was either the epic blow to his self-esteem or his motion sickness that kept Daniel quiet on the 20 minute ride to the woman's home. "I just need to get home", he'd mumble.

As she pulled down the drive that led to the garage behind her home, the woman began to scowl and scoffed to herself, "Oh, those brats! I can't leave those kids home alone for more than an hour or they'll start chewing at the bone to go get an ice cream or something. So much for that vacation I was going to take everyone on."

She opened the garage, and to Daniel's horror, there were four other people locked up in a cage in the corner by the water heater. They were the captive of a mad woman. Two small children, another jockey sized man, and a young black gender neutral person. They had been throwing their shoes at the small window on the far wall in a desperate attempt at drawing attention to the garage from the outside world while the woman was out shopping. Glass was everywhere and it must have been what the old hag had seen on their way down the driveway.

The old hag resumed her face-numbing pinch of Daniel's cheek and dragged him from the car and into the cage. "Now, young man, get to know the family while I go put away the groceries."

"What in the fuck is...what the. Where are we? Who is that crazy bitch!? I need to get out of here!"

"My name is Tim, the girls are Stefanie and Mel, and this is Natty. The lady kidnapped us all just like you, and she thinks we're all kids. Well, the girls are, but I'm 43 and Natty here is nearly 20."

"So she has kidnapped you all so she can have kids around?"

"Well she thinks we're a family or something. It's depraved. And judging by your stature, she probably thinks you're a kid in need of family too, eh?"

"Eh? Eh? What are you Canadian or something? Jesus, not only am I stuck in a cage, but I'm stuck in a cage with a Canadian? Ewww. Don't you guys all have, like, maple syrup disease or something? Shit. Well, I get the kids, and the canuck, but why did the old lady grab you? You don't even remotely look like a little kid." (pointing at Natty)

Natty leaned in real close. "If you ask the old haggish imp why she snagged me up, she'll tell you that when the cops come to finally take her in, she doesn't want local media to play the race card...claiming she only snags up white kids or something."

"Wait a second! You've just been kidnapped, thrown in a cage with two little girls, a gender neutral black person, and me, and you still manage to take a second to throw a dirty diaper tantrum hissy fit about the fact that I happen to be Canadian? What the hell!?" Tim was definitively irate and looked ready to crap in his left hand and smear it all over Daniels new shirt. Yes, at this point in the story I think it is important to point out that Daniel is wearing a new shirt. It is yellow.

Daniel retorted, "I may not exactly have a handle on all that has happened in the last hour or so, but I sure as hell haven't forgotten that Canada caused the collapse of the Chilean fiscal market in 1946 when they pulled out of the hamburg agreement. The same agreement that promised equal pay amongst fur traders in Chile!"

"What the fuck are you on, man?" "Chile?" "Hamburg Agreement?"

"Listen you fuzzy watermelons, before the old diaper rash kidnapped me, I had just swallowed five mushroom caps and taken three hits of acid. I am about to rape the sky with my mind in a few minutes. Please don't load me into that circus cannon over there until I come down. And please! Above fucking all else! KEEP ME THE FUCK AWAY FROM WATER! I WILL TRIP MY BALLS OFF IF I COME WITHIN AN INCH OF WATER!... I told that drapey old grocery bag I needed to go home. I just want to go home."

The house door swung open, "Hey kids I haven't forgot! It's time for our family vacation! Let's all get in the car, we're going to the beach!"

"Oh shit."

Steven Love Rebecca

2010-02-23T16:37:00.000-08:00

Steven was usually wrong, but it never let him stop trying to explain the unexplainable. This time, however, he had a real doozie on his hands. He was struggling to explain to his girlfriend, Rebecca, the difference between yellow and pink lemonades.

"You see, pink lemonade is pink because the lemons used have had very limited UV exposure. The farmers apply spf 45 sun lotion to them on Mondays in June."

Rebecca wasn't buying his bullshit this time. They argued for 4 days without sleep or food. They drank only pink lemonade. After the fourth day, they agreed the only way to solve the argument was to travel to the lemonade factory in the next town and ask the lead lemon squeezer. So, off they went.

Steven was too cheap to spring for a taxi, and Rebecca couldn't afford a car due to her massive gambling debts she incurred betting at the hermit crab race track in Myrtle Beach, SC. They had to walk the whole way, except for the 400 yards where the sidewalks had been replaced by rolling tramways in front of the factory. The two were glad to get to the factory, as they were tired from arguing about lemonade and walking a long way (except for the part where they rode the rolling tramway just then).

Just as Steven was about to knock on the factory's front door, robber bandits jumped out from behind the hedgework. "Give us your keys to your car!", they shouted.

"We don't have a car. We used the rolling tramway!", proclaimed Rebecca.

"Damn, everyone is using that thing these days! Well, were going to kidnap your boyfriend and hold him hostage until our demands are met. We're taking him to our secret hideout."

Poof! They disappeared. One of the robber bandits must have had a smoke bomb or something. Rebecca was not sure what to do. The only person that she thought could help her was the wizard.

Rebecca found a car that was unattended by the factory hedgework, and she drove it straight to the wizard's house. She ran straight into the wizard's house without even knocking, which was really rude (but given the circumstances, it was the last thing on her mind). She entered the living room to find the wizard watching Baywatch and eating a bowl of Sour Patch Kids while sitting in his favorite chair.

The wizard's chair was a warm and delightfully worn-in merlot colored leather wingback chair. It was the kind of sitting piece found in many a dignitary's library. The winged back spread wide at the top, and dove inwards near its sultry hips. The low glow of the tv reflected the age of the supple leather at each button and stitch. The armrests held a stained aroma of pipe tobacco smoke, but only so slightly that the smell was never overbearing. This chair was caring. This chair was home.

After noticing the chair, Rebecca noticed this wasn't actually the wizard, but it was actually his brother Robert. Robert was wearing a snuggie, so it was easy to see how Rebecca could be initially confused. "Robert, my boyfriend was taken by robber bandits to their secret hideout! Can you help me?"

"Well I would, but I have plans later to make love to this chair I'm sitting in. You're going to have to handle this without me."

"Where do I even begin?"

"Well I heard that the robber bandits have made the lemonade factory their secret hideout, because it was convenient for this story!", exclaimed Robert.

Rebecca raced back to the lemonade factory and rescued her boyfriend. Then they had sweet sweet doing it for 2 hours with no foreplay. The end.

Apocolyptoromance

2010-02-23T16:35:00.000-08:00

Preface: The year is 2012, and the world has fallen into an apocalyptic nuclear war. The world's nuclear arsenal has wiped out every human on earth, except for one man...Marcus. Marcus suffers from an underdeveloped left arm, and is a scientist.

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Marcus had been lying still in his cot for nearly twenty hours straight. Sleeping was impossible due to the constant flickering of his now dwindling light sources. He knew the gasoline was low, and the last two generators would give out soon. He figured he'd get at least another hour of light before he had to make the choice. The only choice he had left.

Marcus' life work was creating an apparatus capable of sending one person back in time. 24 years, two marriages, and every living soul on the planet would be the cost of this work. The epic war that battled for his untested time machine had left Marcus alone now, deep in his underground laboratory. He had only himself.

"What do I choose!?" His scream echoed for miles through the empty and chilly corridors. If it wasn't enough that this evil machine had caused so many countless deaths, it would now force Marcus to decide his own fate. Two options, and suicide wasn't one of them. There was only 1 gallon of fuel left for one of the generators, which was enough for 12 minutes of power. 12 minutes. This is exactly how much time it would take to run the time machine for one trip back into time, or it would provide Marcus with 12 more minutes of light to masturbate.

The dilemma was unbearable. On the one hand, Marcus might be able to travel back in time to save humanity, and on the other he could give himself one last pleasurable experience before accepting the end of existance.

The time machine was designed as a two person operation. One person would flip the switch, while the other would be transported through time. Marcus knew that if he flipped the switch himself, he would be instantly transported back in time to an unknown time and place, but his hand would be left in the future still attached to the switch. The chance that he would be sent back in time, to a place where he could not save himself and the world, was only worsened by the fact that when he arrived he'd have no good hand to masturbate with.

The last flicker of light fizzled to darkness. Marcus knew what he had to do. He couldn't afford not to take the chance. He owed the world. He decided he would send himself back in time, and if he could, he'd end his own life before his research into time travel even began.

The last gallon of fuel was poured into the generator. Marcus removed every input, except for the machine's. He felt the pressure build in his chest as he maneuvered into the transport silo. He shut his eyes and spent his last moments remembering all his joyful masturbation in the last few days, and then with a flick of his wrist, FLASH!

Marcus slowly opened his eyes and found a horror he hadn't even imagined. He had traveled back to the moment where he decided to use the time machine! He called out in horror to his past self, "WAIT! Don't pull the switch!"

"If you do that, you'll only travel back to this moment!"

Marcus and his past self, speechless at the discovery, knew that no matter how many times it was repeated, time travel now would be an infinity of this very moment. Nothing could be done. Nothing will ever be done to change this.

"Well, what do we do with the last bit of fuel we have left then?", they simultaneously asked each other. Marcus wanted to masturbate, but he was now missing his good hand. Past Marcus proposed he would 'assist' and masturbate them both. After a few minutes of debate, they decided that it wouldn't be gay because, future or past, both of them were the same person. So, it would only be masturbation.

And just as Marcus began to touch Marcus, a Hawking black hole opened up in Marcus' penis. "Oh no! Two separate entities of matter cannot occupy the same space, and we've now opened a black ho..." Before he could finish his last word, the solar system was swallowed up by the black hole. 200 years later, Marcus gave birth to a pineapple. It hurt.